Today is an awful day. Because on this day New York was attacked.
For a while I pretended to be a politician and for a while I said the things people wanted to hear and did the things people I assumed wanted me to do. I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking about. I was out there. And I flashed back and it comes down to the very essentials of truth.
On this day way back when I was in 11th grade. I thought the world was ending because they blew up the pentagon and buildings were falling in New York. I freaked out and had this fake spirituality that I thought was the cause of it. I thought because I pretended to know spiritual shit to a girlfriend I had at the time that I'd caused the towers to fall. There's something interesting in that quote in double.
First, it's the very fact that I used to believe that my actions in some spiritual world caused things. Like, if I was a magical good person the towers wouldn't have fallen. It's along the same psychotic line of thinking that if I just prayed enough and meditated John Kerry was going to get the presidency. If any of my thinking was correct our president would be the winner of the 2000 election. He's not. And the towers fell.
Secondly, it's because and especially over time as I came to live home (New York) I realized and am able to admit that I mourn for New York. I mourn for the skyline I will never be apart of and all the New Yorkers who died on that day. It made me love the cops more and the firemen. Even though the cops in protests and especially after that period kinda somewhat went into guerilla mode. I can only speak about what I saw later at the half a million man march against the RNC. That was fun.
I don't really feel like an "American". I have no idea what that means to feel like.
My idea of being an "American" is getting a wife and kids, buying a dog and having 2.5 children.
It's something like Fairfield, Connecticut.
I used to pretend that this was the goal; to return to Fairfield. The goal in all truth was to get to New York. The goal of writing series about Fairfield was to establish myself in New York. It's somewhat ass backwards logic because wouldn't one write about the place they love? But, somehow I was all sorts of lost in a character I'd created. I wrote a series. I wrote a series about a character I was when I was incredibly unhappy. And the reason I was unhappy probably and truthfully wasn't because I'd picked the wrong cross or even really dated the wrong girl. It was because I was pretending to be some happy faithful boyfriend and Christmas-Thanksgiving show-up in a shirt buttoned up saying grace person. I'm not.
It took the death of a cat to force me a realization that life is more or less your own.
That I loved the cat because the cat was fucking crazy. And in the end, the cat died free and on it's own. I also sat around and didn't go looking for the cat because I was playing 'boyfriend character' to this girl I was dating at the time.
It was an awful thing. I'll probably write about it to end the series I created and in a way kill of the characters. If such a thing is possible, other than killing the characters; which is an easy literary device for well, laziness.
I never wanted to be that person. And it left me with a position where this girl was calling me on the phone asking me if the world was ending because I pretended to be a spiritual guru. As though I'd had the answers and keys of the universe. And this was another thing I was good at pretending. That I had the keys of the universe. But I had no idea. I didn't even practice spirituality during this time and the truth was that I was better for it. Not like, better than the spiritual people but just personally happier because alot of the time it felt forced. As though once I began on this path I had to continue. But it didn't get me girls and once I started going on dates and getting girls and was writing in general I was happy. I stopped practicing spirituality because I didn't give a shit. It wasn't my thing. Then I did the Roman Catholic thing. Wasn't my thing.
Just not my thing. Ya'll. To each his own. Although the church would say I'm going to hell. And so are the gays, the sinners, the people who fuck before marriage, the Jews and more than half the worlds population. If I'm going to hell I'm going to be in good company, John F. Kennedy excluded. Oh well. I heard Kennedy was one of the first presidents to take the prototype for 'Adderall'. I also heard he fucked Marilyn Monroe. I'm not sure which is more interesting. Atleast being on something didn't keep the man down. Although the bay of pigs and being assassinated by the military industrial complex is really a fucking shitty thing to have happen. But uh, I gather my sources from Oliver Stone movies so there ya go.
There's alot of doubt about what really happened on that day. And I have to say the one time I went to the Pentagon on a school trip it didn't look like something that would survive if a 747 went into it, not with that little of a bruise. But, ok let's not pretend I can prove that one. I refer you to Google video for all the information you need.
I've stopped going on about that because of the look I see in people's eyes when you talk about 9/11 and I'm talking about New Yorkers. I've had friends who were actually here. And I can feel their pain. To imagine and just wonder without political regard, "why"? Why attack New York?
And so on this day I feel like I shouldn't talk about this but i do, because the only thing about being American I understand is the freedom of speech which New York City liberals are famous for.
But I mourn for a skyline I will never see and people who have perished which damaged the city and have left questions about our government nobody but the 'crazies' will ask. This is the reason you shouldn't consider me a political source. Because I'm a writer. Because I'm one of these "crazies".
And because like so many writers before me I am selfish.
Because from all of this I've realized something, looking back over the books I wrote, why I took out the crazy spirituality and why I was happy after that period of time. Why I stopped being spiritual in the first place and thus looking back really finding out why I'm unhappy when I'm unhappy.
I allowed myself to have a similar effect that America had after 9/11.
The quiet affected situation.
Because if I'm a good boy the guy with the towel on his head under my bed or in the backroom somewhere that is after me on 24 won't get me. Like, if I stay quiet and don't upset the big dicks in policy the magic code will stay off red and turn to yellow, blue, magenta. Shhh. Shop at K-Mart. God Bless America everyone. 1955.
And this is why the country felt wrong when I was questioning myself when I was telling my mother that year that the Iraq war seemed like bullshit. That I highly doubted there were chemicals.
Because I thought, well, maybe? And what if there are? What if they're going to spread evil chemicals over my beloved America and send mailbombs with fucking anthrax. Hmm. I guess it's good we go there...
No. One should never questions the principals of reality they really believe in, or question them but say honestly how you feel. It's not a religion (and that's the very thing about religions; some who the fuck knows when somebody came up with some crazy bullshit that has nothing to do with anything and we're all supposed to follow it. It has no pretense in the current day of life). Wasn't the anthrax shit some crazy guy? And did the magic evil men come? No.
But then suddenly the media became the lapdog for the president, reporters were embedded with the military and we were all scared to death; to the fucking point that kids, college kids, were telling me that it was okay to give up some of our liberties so we could survive. But what the fuck are we living for if we're not free? What the fuck is "America"? What the fuck? In general, what the fuck?
I'd rather blow up being free than allow our society to corrode into something it was never meant to be.
We are not slaves. And this is something that gets lost in this 'culture war' that I've pretended to be on the 'right' for because I thought if I acted really Republican in 80 years or who knows at age 35 I could be the left winged Rupert Murdoch and un-do the government patsy bullshit that he's done by this Ronald Raegan shit.
But the shit on that side; this other side of the culture war 'we must restore family values' bullshit has nothing to do with anything and keeps us off track on what's really going on.
How ironic that Ronnie could have been saved by stem cell research. But the little babies that aren't even born yet couldn't be spared because ... oh no... abortions! Abortions! And then we're going to have to put them in a bottle so some crazy bitch can splur that shit at me on 2:30 on a Tuesday afternoon going to Film History circa 2004 anti-abortion old folk crowd.
Because as many good people that were attracted to New York City during the R.N.C. (and I don't mean the Republican Invasion) there were a few crazies on the sidelines that cried and bitched.
But that's freedom of speech.
And New York felt like the last place left where anyone could speak the truth. And if New York City is gone for a place of truth then it's all over.
One has to think, not to upset too many panties (but I will no matter what), but, if you were say, somebody who wanted to keep the left under control and a terrorist attack was going to happen on the bastion of free speech, wouldn't it be perhaps in your benefit to allow this to happen? Kindof like an anti-J.F.K. situation where L.B.J. was able to create his great society because when there's a tragedy it's traditional to bow your head before the other party and allow shit to go through?
With New York in a bunch and the country scared shitless, the New York Times helping the situation with whatever her name is and the Valerie Plame situation ... hmmm. Why, if I was one of these crazies living in a 'culture war' world on the right, I wouldn't be too upset at all that New York was quiet.
Trauma.
You cause trauma.
You create a quiet situation.
And you sneak the country out from under the liberties everyone was guaranteed until nobody knew that liberty was real. That freedom of speech was guaranteed or that the country was built on 'fuck this shit, I can do it on my own and I'll fucking go for it anyways'. Because the Boston Tea Party was really about 'fuck you'. And the whole war was really about, no, fuck this shit we'll go at it alone.
On this day, remember why we're free.
So the next time IF something does happen, and let's fucking pray (or metaphorically pray and in reality force our representatives to watch our ass so it doesn't) that we don't loose the very reason being American was something to like and care about.
Which is pretty much the right to run your mouth.
Because if what is it, 700 club can pray to God that left winged supreme court justices DIE so that babies can overpopulate the world, I can have the same right to bitch and complain all I want about his ridiculous shit.
Because really Christian folk, which justice would Jesus have murdered?
What country would Jesus invade next?
Which Crusader was Jesus favorite to give a sword to for murder. Because the dude wasn't talking about actual weapons. Otherwise, with all his superpowers and shit, wouldn't he just get off the cross and go storm on the Romans ass? I mean, that would be a cool story, but obviously the whole thing means something else.
Remember that, today. As I've remembered who I am.
I'm as asshole. And I'm damn proud of it.
(Oh. And remember the 2004 Bush campaign for re-election? It makes me sick. But tit for tat. And so it goes).
Freedom of speech bitches.
For a while I pretended to be a politician and for a while I said the things people wanted to hear and did the things people I assumed wanted me to do. I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking about. I was out there. And I flashed back and it comes down to the very essentials of truth.
On this day way back when I was in 11th grade. I thought the world was ending because they blew up the pentagon and buildings were falling in New York. I freaked out and had this fake spirituality that I thought was the cause of it. I thought because I pretended to know spiritual shit to a girlfriend I had at the time that I'd caused the towers to fall. There's something interesting in that quote in double.
First, it's the very fact that I used to believe that my actions in some spiritual world caused things. Like, if I was a magical good person the towers wouldn't have fallen. It's along the same psychotic line of thinking that if I just prayed enough and meditated John Kerry was going to get the presidency. If any of my thinking was correct our president would be the winner of the 2000 election. He's not. And the towers fell.
Secondly, it's because and especially over time as I came to live home (New York) I realized and am able to admit that I mourn for New York. I mourn for the skyline I will never be apart of and all the New Yorkers who died on that day. It made me love the cops more and the firemen. Even though the cops in protests and especially after that period kinda somewhat went into guerilla mode. I can only speak about what I saw later at the half a million man march against the RNC. That was fun.
I don't really feel like an "American". I have no idea what that means to feel like.
My idea of being an "American" is getting a wife and kids, buying a dog and having 2.5 children.
It's something like Fairfield, Connecticut.
I used to pretend that this was the goal; to return to Fairfield. The goal in all truth was to get to New York. The goal of writing series about Fairfield was to establish myself in New York. It's somewhat ass backwards logic because wouldn't one write about the place they love? But, somehow I was all sorts of lost in a character I'd created. I wrote a series. I wrote a series about a character I was when I was incredibly unhappy. And the reason I was unhappy probably and truthfully wasn't because I'd picked the wrong cross or even really dated the wrong girl. It was because I was pretending to be some happy faithful boyfriend and Christmas-Thanksgiving show-up in a shirt buttoned up saying grace person. I'm not.
It took the death of a cat to force me a realization that life is more or less your own.
That I loved the cat because the cat was fucking crazy. And in the end, the cat died free and on it's own. I also sat around and didn't go looking for the cat because I was playing 'boyfriend character' to this girl I was dating at the time.
It was an awful thing. I'll probably write about it to end the series I created and in a way kill of the characters. If such a thing is possible, other than killing the characters; which is an easy literary device for well, laziness.
I never wanted to be that person. And it left me with a position where this girl was calling me on the phone asking me if the world was ending because I pretended to be a spiritual guru. As though I'd had the answers and keys of the universe. And this was another thing I was good at pretending. That I had the keys of the universe. But I had no idea. I didn't even practice spirituality during this time and the truth was that I was better for it. Not like, better than the spiritual people but just personally happier because alot of the time it felt forced. As though once I began on this path I had to continue. But it didn't get me girls and once I started going on dates and getting girls and was writing in general I was happy. I stopped practicing spirituality because I didn't give a shit. It wasn't my thing. Then I did the Roman Catholic thing. Wasn't my thing.
Just not my thing. Ya'll. To each his own. Although the church would say I'm going to hell. And so are the gays, the sinners, the people who fuck before marriage, the Jews and more than half the worlds population. If I'm going to hell I'm going to be in good company, John F. Kennedy excluded. Oh well. I heard Kennedy was one of the first presidents to take the prototype for 'Adderall'. I also heard he fucked Marilyn Monroe. I'm not sure which is more interesting. Atleast being on something didn't keep the man down. Although the bay of pigs and being assassinated by the military industrial complex is really a fucking shitty thing to have happen. But uh, I gather my sources from Oliver Stone movies so there ya go.
There's alot of doubt about what really happened on that day. And I have to say the one time I went to the Pentagon on a school trip it didn't look like something that would survive if a 747 went into it, not with that little of a bruise. But, ok let's not pretend I can prove that one. I refer you to Google video for all the information you need.
I've stopped going on about that because of the look I see in people's eyes when you talk about 9/11 and I'm talking about New Yorkers. I've had friends who were actually here. And I can feel their pain. To imagine and just wonder without political regard, "why"? Why attack New York?
And so on this day I feel like I shouldn't talk about this but i do, because the only thing about being American I understand is the freedom of speech which New York City liberals are famous for.
But I mourn for a skyline I will never see and people who have perished which damaged the city and have left questions about our government nobody but the 'crazies' will ask. This is the reason you shouldn't consider me a political source. Because I'm a writer. Because I'm one of these "crazies".
And because like so many writers before me I am selfish.
Because from all of this I've realized something, looking back over the books I wrote, why I took out the crazy spirituality and why I was happy after that period of time. Why I stopped being spiritual in the first place and thus looking back really finding out why I'm unhappy when I'm unhappy.
I allowed myself to have a similar effect that America had after 9/11.
The quiet affected situation.
Because if I'm a good boy the guy with the towel on his head under my bed or in the backroom somewhere that is after me on 24 won't get me. Like, if I stay quiet and don't upset the big dicks in policy the magic code will stay off red and turn to yellow, blue, magenta. Shhh. Shop at K-Mart. God Bless America everyone. 1955.
And this is why the country felt wrong when I was questioning myself when I was telling my mother that year that the Iraq war seemed like bullshit. That I highly doubted there were chemicals.
Because I thought, well, maybe? And what if there are? What if they're going to spread evil chemicals over my beloved America and send mailbombs with fucking anthrax. Hmm. I guess it's good we go there...
No. One should never questions the principals of reality they really believe in, or question them but say honestly how you feel. It's not a religion (and that's the very thing about religions; some who the fuck knows when somebody came up with some crazy bullshit that has nothing to do with anything and we're all supposed to follow it. It has no pretense in the current day of life). Wasn't the anthrax shit some crazy guy? And did the magic evil men come? No.
But then suddenly the media became the lapdog for the president, reporters were embedded with the military and we were all scared to death; to the fucking point that kids, college kids, were telling me that it was okay to give up some of our liberties so we could survive. But what the fuck are we living for if we're not free? What the fuck is "America"? What the fuck? In general, what the fuck?
I'd rather blow up being free than allow our society to corrode into something it was never meant to be.
We are not slaves. And this is something that gets lost in this 'culture war' that I've pretended to be on the 'right' for because I thought if I acted really Republican in 80 years or who knows at age 35 I could be the left winged Rupert Murdoch and un-do the government patsy bullshit that he's done by this Ronald Raegan shit.
But the shit on that side; this other side of the culture war 'we must restore family values' bullshit has nothing to do with anything and keeps us off track on what's really going on.
How ironic that Ronnie could have been saved by stem cell research. But the little babies that aren't even born yet couldn't be spared because ... oh no... abortions! Abortions! And then we're going to have to put them in a bottle so some crazy bitch can splur that shit at me on 2:30 on a Tuesday afternoon going to Film History circa 2004 anti-abortion old folk crowd.
Because as many good people that were attracted to New York City during the R.N.C. (and I don't mean the Republican Invasion) there were a few crazies on the sidelines that cried and bitched.
But that's freedom of speech.
And New York felt like the last place left where anyone could speak the truth. And if New York City is gone for a place of truth then it's all over.
One has to think, not to upset too many panties (but I will no matter what), but, if you were say, somebody who wanted to keep the left under control and a terrorist attack was going to happen on the bastion of free speech, wouldn't it be perhaps in your benefit to allow this to happen? Kindof like an anti-J.F.K. situation where L.B.J. was able to create his great society because when there's a tragedy it's traditional to bow your head before the other party and allow shit to go through?
With New York in a bunch and the country scared shitless, the New York Times helping the situation with whatever her name is and the Valerie Plame situation ... hmmm. Why, if I was one of these crazies living in a 'culture war' world on the right, I wouldn't be too upset at all that New York was quiet.
Trauma.
You cause trauma.
You create a quiet situation.
And you sneak the country out from under the liberties everyone was guaranteed until nobody knew that liberty was real. That freedom of speech was guaranteed or that the country was built on 'fuck this shit, I can do it on my own and I'll fucking go for it anyways'. Because the Boston Tea Party was really about 'fuck you'. And the whole war was really about, no, fuck this shit we'll go at it alone.
On this day, remember why we're free.
So the next time IF something does happen, and let's fucking pray (or metaphorically pray and in reality force our representatives to watch our ass so it doesn't) that we don't loose the very reason being American was something to like and care about.
Which is pretty much the right to run your mouth.
Because if what is it, 700 club can pray to God that left winged supreme court justices DIE so that babies can overpopulate the world, I can have the same right to bitch and complain all I want about his ridiculous shit.
Because really Christian folk, which justice would Jesus have murdered?
What country would Jesus invade next?
Which Crusader was Jesus favorite to give a sword to for murder. Because the dude wasn't talking about actual weapons. Otherwise, with all his superpowers and shit, wouldn't he just get off the cross and go storm on the Romans ass? I mean, that would be a cool story, but obviously the whole thing means something else.
Remember that, today. As I've remembered who I am.
I'm as asshole. And I'm damn proud of it.
(Oh. And remember the 2004 Bush campaign for re-election? It makes me sick. But tit for tat. And so it goes).
Freedom of speech bitches.
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