I watched Wonder Showzen, as in the wordsworth episode and I realize this is actually going on in my mind.
That's fucked up, I really wonder what my inner mind looks like. Like there's an inner mind with the creepy Richard guy and you get access to the body? I have no idea exactly how this show works in tech. I go crazy frequently and base the idea of projecting the show's target audience to my friends which is mainly this Williamsburg, Brooklyn crowd. Hipster girls. Hipsters. Nyc.
Then it gets a bit more tricky because directly Fairfield, CT. Plus Easton. But Fairfield; like base crowd. This gets tricky cause really art school is my base but then Fairfield is my childhood base but then I get political about this and that really isn't what this log of the Visual Axis is supposed to be. It's more so supposed to be my log on being in the show, using characters out of the energy of what I get in result of the show (the crazy shit that makes me the way I am turned into characters). It's an insane acting experience and I use my experience in Arcade Fire 'no cars go' video for this. I don't know how this ends but I do want the trine and everything from Silver Tiles to be real. To get all of it. Especially the club. If not I'd be happy with an apartment like I had before (in Hells Kitchen) and I say that because I wonder on the outside am I a hero, am I Kurt Cobain or am I a fucking joke. The only that that'd make me Kurt Cobain is my honesty. Painfully honest literature/blog entries. Like the time I said even the kids I hated in art school where the same as me. And I don't want to stall on this but I do feel like I had to say something about these being my people directly. And that's weird, b/c why should I have to say that? Isn't it automatically assumed? Can't I put it better. But that's an effect of all of this. It's not because I'm up for three days or whatever or even on meds. It's just an effect of everything on the show. It's fucking weird/disturbing/freaky/it's fucking outside the realm of modern existence to have people speaking inside your head and through your body. It's a world outside the world. It's easier to deal with when my friends are in my head, the characterization/t.v. show gets harder/psycho nose bleed at times. Lights flashed at you and everything like that. I think of a direct group of friends and a girl I wanted to reach out to on this. And I pause because I'm trying to think of this like longterm career advice like David Bowie gave Arcade Fire. But you're watching this 24/7 so it's kinda hard to do that. It's Caitlin, b/c I meant everything I tried to express to Caitlin. If it turned out to be a joke well fuck I tried with my heart.
There's other girls, this whole idea with keys and all this. At times it's an inhumane situation, I never could have expected THIS would be my fame. So you know how my mind works in all conditions and I'm the awesome thing on Earth or not so much.
Or, I'm being hypnotized again. I'm going to stop now because I want this to be in segments. I want this to be as close to reality or myself as it can be. Because I don't believe it's possible to be me on this show until it's over b/c of only child time and shit but this is my closest attempt. I'm going to stop now before I get on an incoherent rant.
fuck. don't have a sign off for this.
What, do you want a cookie?